#and i am not terribly broken up about that
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fic recs - september & october 2024
Below are some of the (complete) fics that I've read and enjoyed over the past couple of months.
Fandom is a treasured and much-needed escape for me, though I've fallen terribly behind in my reading lately and am still trying to catch up. If there's a fic you're enjoying (or writing!) that's not on my radar, please feel free to send me some recs.
All of the Things I Need by thalialunacy
An Ounce of Cure by BakerTumblings
Clean Start by standbygo
Dust and Echoes by randomquadballpun
Homecoming by holmesian_love
In The Arms of Love (Fighting with the Wolves) by Amyreadsandstresses
Injunction by ohlooktheresabee
May Whispers by Silvergirl
Penumbra (Autumn Special) by Saki101
Scheherazade of The Thrift Shop by standbygo
Starving at the Feast by ohlooktheresabee
Take My Broken Love by meet_me_in_samarra
The Campari by CorvidCordelia
They Don't Talk About It by Beyond_Measure_and_Reason
This is Family by Calais_Reno
Three Impossible Things by MissDavis
Through the Mist by lurikko
Tipping the Scales by BeautifulFiction
Two Words by amaruuk
Wasteland, Baby by Lolololly
When Harry Met Mary by Calais_Reno
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wip wednesday: "lovers once a year" (dbf!joel miller)
hello to you, tiny people on my phone. reaching the end of this semester has thrown me onto a motherfucking rollercoaster. if i even think about the amount of finals i have to sit for, i'm afraid i'll tear up. so here i am, drifting away from real-life responsibilities </3 still working on this dbf!joel fic cause i haven't had much time to write lately, but i'm trying not to be too hard on myself. i really like how it's coming along. i'm close to finishing, though i'm not going to promise a specific posting date because i never seem to manage it LMAO
anyway, thank you to @elflutter @joelsdagger and @ovaryacted for tagging me!!!
No one could’ve ever said Joel was a great best friend. For one, he was terrible at remembering important dates. His mind just didn’t catch hold of details like that—never had, really. He wasn’t the affectionate type, either. At best, he’d manage a pat on the back or a firm handshake, maybe even a call on Christmas if he remembered. Emotional displays weren’t in his nature, far too used to keeping things at arm’s length. Luckily for him, Stephen never seemed to care much about these things. They’d been friends for over forty years—which is, well, a hell of a long time, especially considering each had gone off to carve out his own life. They’d trudged through both primary and secondary school side by side, and Joel felt Stephen’s absence like a hollow ache the day his friend left for university in another state. Technology eventually offered them more ways to connect, but it didn’t make keeping up any simpler. The years had tested them, and somehow, they’d held on to the quiet strength of their friendship—a bond they’d forged across decades and distance, held steady like the roots of an old tree. Stephen was the laid-back type, always down for anything as long as a cold beer was part of the deal. It was rare for him to lose his temper, having a way of letting nuisances slide. Joel could bend every rule, yet Stephen’s patience never wavered. He was unflappable, hardly bothered by Joel’s mood swings, which was what made them a match made in heaven. Nothing seemed to throw him off. Though Joel doubts Stephen would stay so calm if he knew what he’d done to his daughter. As mentioned, Joel’s not exactly what you’d call a good friend—particularly considering he’s slept with his best friend’s daughter. Just once, to be fair. One ephemeral, impulsive encounter. Right here, in this very house, exactly three hundred and sixty-five days ago.
AND
Apart from the glint in your eyes, he catches the persistent, quiet ache of want. He isn’t sure if it’s just physical attraction, if it runs deeper, or if that’s all it is for him, either. He doesn’t need to know. The simplicity of it all is a short-lived relief. It’s an easy escape, though, this bare minimum of understanding—you want him, he wants you. Let it be enough for one more moment, for tonight, just another memory he’ll have to lock away. Yet he’s aware, deep down, of his own pattern: promises broken just as easily as they’re made. He’s only fooling himself. The part of him that knows this isn’t something he’ll let go of so easily sits there, silently taunting him, daring him to make another promise he won’t keep.
tagging: @lubdubology @zloshy @princessanglophile @cavillscurls @guiltyasdave @tightjeansjavi @mrsmando - so sorry if you've already been tagged :( - and anybody else who feels like doing it!
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GONNA THROW UP GINNA HAVE A OANIC ATTACK GONNA COMBUST
#personal#i got a job offer#and for what it is the money woulld genuinely be really helpful#i would have to put in my two weks at [redacted]#and i am not terribly broken up about that#but i feel bad feel anxious#and more distressingly - it’s a cobtract that goes until november#but i’ve been applying to gard school#and won’t hear back until. march or april or even may#and if i got in i would start august and wouldn’t be able to do both#bc it’s full time#until november#i texted her explaining this and asked if there was any flexibility with the end dated but i doubt it#and if there’s not then i have to say no#but if i say no and then get into none of the schools im going to fuckinv hate myself#tbc - i did not apply for this knowing all the conflicts lmao#i didn’t apply at all#a supervisor with a company i’ve worked with a couple of times rrached out and said she thought the role would be good for me
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By the skin of your teeth (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#Pyramid Head#The Captain#Blood#The cuts themselves are just black and white because I'm controlling myself lol - clearly not That much with the rest but hey!#Still it is a very nasty cut for how nonchalantly I've drawn them all haha - ZEX's back too he's just facing forward#I also momentarily forgot that he was in his uniform it's fine don't worry about it lol#All these speculations on where and how about the injuries and then just - What Uniform That I Am Enamoured By? Haha#I've done the same thing with DAX I keep forgetting about his poor ankle and then it comes up and I'm like ''Oh yeah haha I knew that''#How are some details so sticky and others so smoke-like! Some stay in my brain and others - pffbtl how silly#All the same it's still the Funnest Fun <3#There's something so Extra delightful to have Seen a setpiece - an object - an idea - and then get to interact with it <3 <3#Hitting Pyramid Head with Zelnick's frying pan! Forget PH I can't believe we had the budget for the skillet's appearance fee ♪♫ Hehehe#No but honestly Pyramid Head was incredible ✨ Wonderfully scary and distressing and tense and full of fallout! Terrible things!! ♪♫#I've never drawn him before so it was interesting! :0 His appearance in SH2 looks all squished#Like his belly is jutting out across from a broken spine! Quite spooky#I don't think I fully managed to capture that - kinda just looks like his hip bones are very prominent hehe - but maybe some other time :)#I hope they don't run into him again - for their sake tho haha ♪#DAX continually pulling ZEX behind him to try and protect him (and failing) was something I really Had to put to paper <3#As well as snuggles!! Even before they got Really hurt I was like Oh everyone needs hugs so bad :'0 And they do!! They need so many hugs!#Maybe especially Zelnick poor Captain :'0 Give this boy a break#The injuries are more of a self-guide hehe I'm not sure how accurate they are - they Feel accurate based on handedness et al#I was the least sure for Zelnick since he got tossed (poor thing!) but at least bruises are always fun to draw hehe#The return of my rainbow bruises lol - I only use three colours they're just so vibrant!#DAX trying so~ hard not to be taken in hehe what could these feelings be! Familiarly repressed? No surely not ♪#Be nice ♫
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#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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i have so many thoughts about gohan and goten its kind of unreal
#and what am i gonna do... write about it? get serious#what can i say i love siblings in media :(#gohan who hardly got a childhood and spent it solely around people twice his age and maturing way faster#than he should have and then his dad dies (again) and he has to take care of his mom and his new baby brother#and he is 10!#and goten who got to experience peace thanks to his mystical legendary warrior of a dad and everyone tells him he looks like him and#how amazing and great he was and all he grows up seeing is the damage done to his family and then BOOM he just. comes back.#and listen i love goku okay im not a goku is a terrible father believer. he loves his family. but hes not a good dad by any means#gohan is trying to grow up while taking care of his mom and making sure his little brother never has to go through anything like he did#and at least goten has trunks! the only same aged friend gohan gets is dende and thats only because#hes off on a space mission at SIX YEARS OLD??? and then he gets his fucking neck broken and almost DIES#i could keep going.
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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol
#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all#purrs#chicago#i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about#when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m#for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi#and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t#recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting#for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that#my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it#just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of#stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and#utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a#biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL#i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i#have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again#delete later#kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol
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I've been playing the new cotl update and I generally like it but god do I fucking hate like all of the balance changes just let things be strong man
#rat rambles#like Im ok with the dice relics getting nerfed because they were pretty rediculous before#but making them fragile relics is absolutely terrible and unacceptable#I dont wanna be mean abt it but like time and time again theyve nerfed things way too fucking hard and only some of them get unfucked#like I am not even slightly exaggerating when I say this one change has made all of the dice the worst relics in the game#making them a one time use just completely fucked up the balance of them especially when theres other relics that are also deeply powerful#for getting health And are good damage dealers#it also showcases that they do not understand just how bad most of the fragile relics already are#like genuinely I am baffled by this decision its been making this update so much harder to enjoy#also apparently they massively lowered the level cap which? sucks so fucking bad?#like there's ways to let things be strong without being overpowered#like literally just make it harder to level up followers as they get to the stupid high levels thatd be a much better way to go about it#because lemme tell you its obnoxious to go out of your way to pour that much attention into a follower but rewarding#and for the dice and similarly broken relics just add an extra slow charge speed#you can throw kalamars ear into that pile too along with the bomb one since it's never worth picking up as a fragile relic#like I do genuinely like this new update and what it adds so far its just that the actual yknow gameplay got a smidge bit worse#and since I like the combat in this game any negative changes on it hit much harder than most quality of life stuff#also for the actual new content I do like it but I do hope this is the last big content update at least for a while#I worry abt the game becoming too crowded with mechanics to the point it stops feeling like a coherent game#and to be clear in my personal opinion this update is already bluring the lines of those fronts#again I do genuinely rly like this update it just makes me worry abt the future of this game#I hope if they do make another larger update they focus more on expanding upon already existing mechanics instead of making new ones#like I think sin could rly use more things to do with it#like with how many ways there are to generate it its strange that almost all of the things you do with it are cosmetic#although tbf I havent been dungeoning much today so maybe theres some hidden stuff to use sin for there lol#also one huge thing that Im confused by is the choice to put the sewing building on the first tier of the inspiration tree#cause it uses silk. aka the stuff from the last dungeon most players unlock#I feel like itd be more appropriate to put it as an ofbranch of the housing tree#so basically my review of this update is that its fun and I like the new mechanics but they do feel a bit half baked#and Im not a fan of the balance changes and Im also not a fan of the gun but thats more of a me problem
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whenever i think/talk abt a "you" it's at least 5 different people usually
#ive been thinking about how you separated the star of david into triangles and taught me about the equilibrium about as above so below#are we in equilibrium? ive been thinking about the star of david and the rest in peace beneath it#fuck the fascists and fuck how they took you and fuck how theyll take everyone. am i good at analysis?#it turns out weve all been lying a lot. it turns out the person weve all lied the most to was ourselves.#ive been thinking about your 5 journals and a whole week of crying just to realise our sin. you felt like a nucleus inside a fuzz of#electrons and i felt like the fuzz of electrons. we caught a ribbon and followed it past the point of discomfort#this is how you breathe so that you dont die and this is how you breathe so that you do. on your own terms.#i am going to be a good architect. i am going to be a good engineer. i am going to be a good neuroscientist. i am going to be good.#i reserve the label for being a let-go-of-labels person. i am going to be the one who lets go of identifiers#and make it my identity. how do you achieve constant bliss? separate the nucleus and the fuzz.#suffering from the impact of the self and the self-image، you told me about the bliss of separation.#okay. let them hate the cloud. youre inside of it all. i am nothing. this is not a label for the self. mereology is a lovely thing.#baby you are ripping through all these spiderwebs just to live. this is part of the normal developmental process. i am surrounded by people#who throw sums of millions out of their mouths like any other lovely word. i cant stand the thought of your loss#except only in theory. ive been thinking about the bird with the broken wing in florence and how we stood around it until#two friends picked it up and took it home in hopes of nursing him back to flight. ive been thinking about how we are designed to care#for each other. tomorrow you will have your dreams crushed. the day after you will keep going. we are sharing#in the wonders of being perceiving beings. isnt that enough? why do you need to perceive the monstrosity of your own soul? is it#because i love you? is it because you love yourself? you love yourself enough to allow yourself to feel the terrible corners of you.#you can finally stand on your own. you can only stumble forward until you walk for the first time.
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I always look forward to when you write... Well, anything! :) You're always so thoughtful and thorough. I have a lot more to admire about you but very little time to express it, so I'll just say thanks for writing with me and I genuinely enjoy your character. ❤️
Please tell me your favorite things about my portrayal/muse?
Thank you so much, halekulan-i! You might only have had a little time but this meant so much to me, how thoughtful your message was and that you took the time out of your day to send it. Thank you for writing with me and sharing your wonderful Harvey (and Two-Face) with us all; not just that, but also for jumping on the two bagels thing which started off how our two (or three?) started interacting??? I'm so glad you enjoy Khare and I hope she continues to bring you joy!
#halekulan-i#memes ;; what's your favourite thing about my muse?#Thank you again for sending this!#Your interactions with Khare have brought me so much happiness and Harvey gosh#He is wonderful like yes he's done terrible things but he's done some incredible things too and the whole two bagels thing was so funny#I'm glad you enjoyed it too#Harvey though he is a GEM#He brought to Khare's attention just how fucked up her housing situation was#She was in a very bad place like she didn't even know it was so bad she was just glad to have a roof over her head#And Harvey was just one of a few guys who actually have a damn and looked into doing something about it#Something which not many people would have done because why worry about a sketchy landlord when there's killer clowns on the loose?#Harvey cared and Khare was fucking devastated when she learned about the acid attack#Sending him those cheapass flowers bc it was all she could afford#ANYWAYS UM#Really appreciate you sending this and for being so very thoughtful thank you#I hope you continue enjoying this girl because I am sure as hell am enjoying your Harvey + Two-Face!#My heart for this tragically broken man#And his wife aka ex-wife Gilda she is a queen#We can't forget her
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mmmmmm, 💀
#dwelling on existentialism and death and the loss of childhood and how once things and people are gone they're gone forever#and nothing is ever going to be the same ever ever ever again#nothing will ever have the same kind of surety and simplicity and kindness and familiarity and peace and safety#bc your grandpa is fucking dying and then your grandma will be fucking dying just like your dad your stepdad your everything else#your friendships and your family and your potential and your self-esteem and your dreams and literally everything else#i hate this i hate all of this loss i hate not being good enough i hate letting everyone down#i hate how i've lost everyone i love the most bc i am awful and terrible and broken and stupid#and the only place i can really open up and speak honestly about this is here in tags on this website#to no one and everyone
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huh. having now understood reaching my target audience of one i think i now get why certain artists have gone batshit, and its because no matter their audience size or how explicitly they state things, no one gets what theyre actually saying
#crazy=genius is the primary example that comes to mind#like. the immediate association there is that its bragging#and maybe to some degree it is‚ that doesnt discount the rest of what im going to say#but like. the order of words there is very important. its not 'it genius = crazy then im insane because im sososo smart'#its 'if crazy = genius then im albert einstein‚ because i am going fucking insane'#its not bragging‚ its bravado. there is a crucial difference between the two.#its a cry for help wrapped in enough arrogance to ensure plausible deniability#and we all just. brushed him off. me included#it's sebastian all over again#if no one takes what you say seriously then you can say your most serious thoughts and have no one blink an eye#and brush it off as yeah yeah emo boy we all had a bad time in highschool.#ajr too im legitimately tempted to see if they have a public email that i can write and send a full analysis to#theyre all just saying it. these people are all so lonely and surrounded by people who see them as a commodity#can you imagine being surrounded by thousands of people who know the words to your songs by heart and didn't understand a single one#sending out flare after flare saying 'this is not a bit i am crumbling to pieces and need help' and having articles written#about how its just music and doesnt mean anything and youre a terrible person#its just for the bit‚ its just to pull your heartstrings to make it hit harder‚ its just art. its doesnt mean anything. right?#nevermind that theres a reason they know which strings to pull. nevermind that none of those are mutually exclusive. nevermind how#directly they say that that is not the case in the song. it doesnt mean anything. it cant. because if it does and if theyre all telling the#truth about how fucked up they are then ding ding ding it seems yet again society is broken#and its easier to say it doesnt mean anything than to face the scale of the everything of it all#origibberish#yknow what come to think of it i think using specifically 'crazy' is also deliberate plausible deniability as just being an asshole too#like 'oh well if you were aaaaactually going through a mental health crisis then you would use more respectful language'#much to consider much to consider
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I’ve been having some really horrible health problems since re-getting covid and I hate that every medical person I go to like begging for help has basically been like “idk drink gatorade about it??? we don’t have a cure for long covid, you’re just tired.”
I’m not looking for a fucking cure I’m looking for literally any form of treatment that will help I have been dying since March and I’m on the verge of quitting my job because I’m literally fainting almost every day between the fucking back to back 100F+ heatwaves and the minimum amount of physical labor required for my job in a building/exhibit with almost no AC or air movement at all and is bright and hot and loud and requires so much energy devoted to attention
but anyway I finally am getting my blood tested tomorrow so maybe I can finally at least get on the path to answers. i’m so tired and i just want this all to be over.
#shhh sharkie#money troubles on top of it aren’t helping#cause i don’t have the energy to cook so food is going to waste or i have to order out all the time#and there have been some days so hot and humid and terrible that i don’t trust myself to get to and from the bus#i just hate this so much and i’m so tired and i just want some fucking help#i got scheduled for a physical finally cause i haven’t had one since before 2020 but it’s not till the end of september#and i almost passed out four days in a row this week and most of the days in the past couple weeks too#i almost passed out at a saturday dnd session. like that’s not even the one that’s after a full day of work.#i literally slept and rested until my friend came to pick me up. and still. we got to the end of the session and i was so woozy.#but yeah went to the walk in clinic today and i got mostly the same response but i stuck to my guns of ‘i KNOW there’s no cure#but these are things that are impacting my health so what can I do about them. what do i eat what meds and vitamins do i take.’#‘taking it easy at work is not an option I’m already doing that and I have little to no sick time/PTO. WHAT DO I DO.’#i am going to quit my job though. it just depends on what the test results say. but I’m done. I’m broken and tired and I have no money.#I have a fucking masters degree and over a decade of experience of whatever kind I just don’t know how to not be in this field.#and how to apply to a job not directly in this field.#I’d love to be at a computer all day or sorting files or boxes or doing data crunching or a myriad of things I know I’m good at.#I just don’t know how to find and apply to other kinds of jobs.
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#the heat index is 101F and our ac has been broken for the past three weeks at work#I worked an 8 hour shift I’m exhuasted + I’m sure I have heat exhaustion (again 🙃)#and like my cheap asshole father comes to pick me up with no ac on in the car 🫠#he argues all the goddamn time that the ac uses up so much gas and that wastes money and okay whatever that’s stupid#like do you want me to just fucking pass out in the passenger seat?#and he’s mad at me cause I may have snapped#but like again 101F outside no ac at work and I’ve had heat exhaustion every day for the past three fucking weeks#it’s literally a two minute drive home#but yeah I’m not worth two mins of ac#he has been extra nasty and having extra attitude and I’m fucking done#when I’m home I literally don’t leave my room anymore#dad’s also treating mom like shit which is like#I have issues with her too but idk what his fucking problem is anymore#and then she makes her problems everyone’s problems#so they’re acting like I need to fix how they treat each other#they should’ve got fucking divorced years ago#I keep telling them to go to fucking marriage counseling or something but nope#the thing is despite being shitty they are both still my parents and it is hard to hear them talk about each other that way#hence why I’m like begging them to either divorce or get counseling#but nah then they just turn it back on me and I’m terrible cause I don’t want to help them work through their problems 🫠#sometimes I think they literally had a kid so they could just blame everything wrong with them/their lives on me#I leave for vacation in like a week-ish and oh boy I cannot tell you how relieved I am to be getting away from them for a bit#I’m sure it’ll be a shit show when I get back but that’s a problem for later me#I just need a fucking break from the shit I put up with at work and the shit I put up with at home
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my moms insane she was like u were mean to me while you were working…you sent me to work with a broken foot for 3 days i’ll be mean again rn
#personal#by mean i mean rude#if she wants to see mean i can be mean#i’m not and fully possible i was mean! i probably was at several points during this last job and dads illness#but like my meanness was hey im working a full time job and am a full time care taker to my dad and this is hard#her meanness was literally preventing me from going to the fucking doctor with a broken foot#i don’t want to hold what either of us did during this year bc it was a hard time for everyone#and she struggled severly i mean for fucks sake she was doing all i was and way more being breadwinner and dads MAIN main caretaker#she had a HORRIBLE year#it just makes me so mad when she acts like i was this devil like i was struggling under a terrible company and my dads declining health and#had break downs over it or got mean bc i had very what felt like limited time outside of pelt#work#she’s not to say i was mean i just get mad about it bc she was too#she’s not wrong to say i was mean#not to say i wasn’t mean i was mean at times#and this is before asking for help getting her dressed up for her holiday party and she’s said doesn’t want to piss me off several times#and even the statement was about how me not working has been nice bc i’m not crazy anymore#but i’m still pissed off like sorry i was mean but i mean if we’re comparing meanness we fucking can cause i’m not throwing that in ur face#24/7 like do i bring up the fact i had to you remind you that you were a mess during ur dads death to realize i might be a mess during mine#sorry did i call you a bitch and blame you over ur brother fucking breakinf ur door and constantly getting angry when you would bring it up#and be like why do you even need a door#you kicked me out over fucking calling out!!!!! when i had sick time!!!!!!#you were an awful fucking person to me but i’m not throwing it in your fucking face!!!!
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#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight#bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired#but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do#like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point#why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying#and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened#from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out#like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going#to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks#ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do#when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced#and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions#and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this#will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun#and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up#and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me?#like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire#but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b#ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place#dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code#somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno#ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day#it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse#unrelated#i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard?#let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo
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